What Maladaptive Daydreaming is Like and Chronic Feelings of Emptiness
By: Kiana Blake-Chung
March 20th was International Day of Happiness. I went all out for it this year. Therapy, a massage, a hair appointment. I even treated myself to dinner and a movie, and topped it off with a Broadway musical as well. Essentially, I dubbed March 20th my personal Treat Yo Self Day because, for whatever reason, I had been borderline despondent in the weeks leading up to it. Perhaps in an effort to keep my hope alive, I’ve not been feeling my feelings on the state of the world or even my own life. I may have unthinkingly slipped into a dissociative state. My dissociation tactics of choice involve maladaptive daydreaming and excessive reading.
A meme I made inspired by another meme, creator unknown
What is Maladaptive Daydreaming?
Frankly put, maladaptive daydreaming is living inside your mind for hours at a time. One downside to my low-demand job is that I spend 8 hours a day not using my brain for much of anything, so to pass the time, I daydream.
Maladaptive daydreams are often vivid daydreams that can even follow detailed storylines. I have a rather intense one that’s played in my head for the better part of the past 16 or so years. The longest break I’ve ever gotten from my daydreaming streak was when I started dating my most recent ex. I quit the excessive fan fiction reading and daydreaming from the moment we first started talking until our relationship ended, possibly because my real-life relationship almost felt like enough of a fantasy.
As it goes, daydreaming isn’t the worst coping mechanism, but anything done in excess can be detrimental. Daydreaming that throws you into a fitful emotional state, affects your relationships, and/or impacts your work is considered maladaptive. I’ve started crying, multiple times, because of the emotions these daydreams invoke. I’ve caught myself mouthing the words to myself, or even making movements, unconsciously acting out the scenes as if I were the main character in my daydreams. I’ve even been on the brink of a full-fledged panic attack.
One would think that this level of imagination would fuel my writing, but that hasn’t been the case. For me, daydreaming is often accompanied by inertia, which makes it feel impossible to write out the stories living in my mind. This then makes me feel unproductive and only adds to my distress. Not being able to bring the world that exists so clearly within my head onto the page has filled me with self-loathing at times.
The biggest red flag, however, is how I feel when I’m not daydreaming. And let me just say, the chronic feelings of emptiness have been beating my ass.
Drifting away mentally on the job.
What Does “Chronic Feelings of Emptiness” Mean?
The most enigmatic symptom of borderline personality disorder and even depression is the chronic feeling of emptiness. It is incredibly difficult to describe the hollow feeling that comes with it. I don’t feel sad, per se. I feel a bit like the walking dead.
I haven’t noticed any particularly strong emotions this year, a remarkable feat with the political climate of the country I live in. I don’t think I’ve had as many meaningful interactions with friends as I’d like. I went an entire 3 and a half weeks before I met up with anyone in March.
I’ve not been sleeping well the majority of this year, forgoing rest to read all night. I can’t even blame it on my split shift schedule at work because when I have the time to sleep, I don’t. In February, I felt like I’d made such meaningful strides in my writing endeavors, but in March, I could hardly open my laptop. April slipped by, and the disappointment of multiple writing rejections threatened to overtake me in May.
When I spend excessive amounts of time alone, I tend to withdraw completely into myself. The problem with this is that when I am in these states, it doesn’t feel like I even have a “self.” I’m pulled inside, but I find that it’s dark and empty. I’m left holding a tiny light, wondering where everything went. Why can’t I get myself to do activities I know I enjoy? Why is it impossible to get out of bed? Why do I randomly feel like I want to die when my life (national current events notwithstanding) is finally stable?
Original Meme creator unknown
How to Stop Feeling Empty Inside
In the past, I have been tempted to turn to pain to bring forth feeling. I hope that if you struggle with self-harming, you seek help to overcome it. I have also tried excessively masturbating in hopes of bringing feeling back. While it may help bring sensation into my body, the effects are short-lived.
Kiyomi Payne wrote an article on how to be more present when you struggle with dissociation. She shares a handful of coping mechanisms that work well for her, but sometimes I find that gathering the will to utilize healthy coping mechanisms is the hardest part of the process. However, when I get caught between knowing what to do to feel better and actually finding the motivation to follow through, I have a little system.
It’s simple: I try to make myself cry. I can do this easily by thinking of scenes from my daydreams, or I will turn to media to help trigger tears. Specifically, I will read the last few chapters of Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper, or I will watch the scene from Avengers: Endgame when Wanda has to kill Vision to attempt to keep the infinity stone from Thanos. Those are my two old faithfuls, but find whatever works for you. Artificial tears can bring forth real emotions, and crying can be cathartic.
How to Stop Bed Rotting
To be clear, bed rotting is not the same as resting. If you are exhausted and burnt out and need to rest and recuperate, give yourself the grace to do so without labeling your need for relaxation. Bed rotting comes when you’re in bed but not getting rest, and you can’t move from the bed to take care of your basic needs. It usually comes with a lot of self-judgment and self-disgust.
Unfortunately, there is no magic solution to push past inertia. Overcoming the gravitational pull of the bed often feels like climbing to the top of a mountain. One tactic of mine is to put on an upbeat playlist to help me get out of bed, and I dance/shake for 3-5 minutes. This usually gives me enough motivation to start working on my to-do list. Completing a couple tasks can then inspire me to leave the house on a nice day. Especially in the wintertime, I have learned to prioritize spending time outside on nice days over crossing off household chores. If my eyeballs are glued to my phone, doom scrolling, I’ll wait until the phone has notified me of a low battery, and I’ll get up to charge my phone in another room. As much as I hate to admit it, finding the energy to change a pattern can be a case of mind over matter. Practice putting mind over matter in small ways, one change at a time, until it feels less overwhelming.
Finding Balance Again
I dedicated April to getting back on my medicine routine. (I think falling out of it has only served to exacerbate the feelings of emptiness.) It helped marginally. I’ve still spent a rather large amount of time escaping through reading, though I try to limit the daydreaming to dedicated times. I’ve shortened my to-do list and managed my expectations for what I hope to accomplish in a week.
I’m doing my best to accept that this is the pace at which I have to work and not feel guilty about what society would see as a lack of productivity. It’s okay to spend a whole day reading if I enjoy reading! Doing things I enjoy is never a waste of my time. Maybe it is possible to fight off the emptiness bit by bit with intentional acts of joy.
Selfie taken in the bathroom of The Whitney Museum— art museums are my favorite way to prioritize joy!
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