Giving Up The Fight
BY: KIANA BLAKE-CHUNG
I’ve seen so many inspirational quotes about fighting depression.“I beat depression... (for today),” “Don’t give up the fight” etc. And those posts may be inspirational to some, but I’m not particularly a combative individual. My flesh is pretty weak. I’ve spent all my life trying to win fights with my siblings and I really don’t have it in me. The idea of having to fight my mental illness every day until the day I die is one of the things that triggered my suicidal ideation the most often. What good is living life if you don’t even get to enjoy it because you have to fight to survive?
If the whole dystopian society from various young adult novels suddenly became life as we know it, I would allow myself to be taken out because I’m not cut out for a life of fighting to survive. I watched Hunger Games on the edge of my seat the whole time thinking there’s no way I would want to participate in that. In the same way, living with a mental illness can be grueling. And I have often fantasized about giving up the fight for good because it’s tiring. And then one time I started feeling bad and I decided to change my approach from a really shoddy self defense and to a tougher offense- by hanging up my gloves. I decided to win the fight by not fighting (bear with me and know that I understand your skepticism because I felt the same way too).
In one of Kevin Hart’s stand up comedies he talks about diffusing fights by offering to hug the aggressor. At one point he said, “You can’t fight nobody doing this [gesturing for a hug,]” and I’ve come to embody this in life. Fighting depression for me meant going out with friends when I didn’t want to because I had to push back and not give in to the pressure to lay in bed all day. It meant continuing to serve in a church three times a week even though my life was falling apart. It’s the curse of being a high-functioning mentally ill person.
Captured by Morgan Smith
But I don’t want to have to push myself to keep hanging on, to make myself continue putting on brave faces. I’ve learned that when depression is banging down my door, it’s okay to: open the door, talk it out (self-reflection, or with a friend), journal it out, have some tea, take a bath, and take it easy. “Why are you here?” “Why do I feel this way?” Engaging in distress tolerance can take many forms and for me, forced positivity doesn’t work that well. When I’m in this mindset, I can identify untrue statements but I can’t always combat it with the truth. And when you’re truly in a deep, dark place it’s okay to just identify what’s untrue and hope that gets you through it. This is why having a support system is so amazing because those people can help fight those fallacies for you and force feed truth into your mind when you can’t come up with it for yourself.
If binge watching television helps you to get through intense urges to hurt yourself, binge watch tv to your heart’s content. Forcing yourself to be productive and social is not in your best interest, I promise. So be kind to yourself and allow yourself (if it’s in your means) to take it easy. I’m very fortunate to have flexible jobs and be under sympathetic management that have allowed me to call out, rearrange my shifts with my coworkers at the last minute etc. But if this is not an option for you, blatant honesty can be. Next time, try not putting a mask on for your interactions and see if even just saving that effort takes off a little weight from your day to day life.
Captured by Morgan Smith
My friend told me one time of the spoon analogy used for people who deal with chronic pain and mental illness. The idea is that for each day we have a certain amount of metaphorical spoons to help get us through the day (let's call it our ability to CAN) and sometimes simple things like taking a shower can swipe all your spoons at once. The day that I learned of this metaphor I was at my sister’s house , and my friend was going to come over to hang out and participate in a sip and paint with us. At some point before she arrived, I was in the bedroom while my little sisters were in the living room kiki-ing it up without me. I had been watching tv but suddenly found I couldn’t even do that anymore. I was just laying in darkness for a couple hours and told my friend not to bother coming over because I couldn’t hang. She asked if I had any spoons left and explained the concept to me at which point I realized i had none left. This literal angel came over anyway and hung out and talked with my sisters until I emerged from the bedroom and then proceeded to just lay on her legs and listen to everybody talk because I couldn’t. Of course, it put me in a vulnerable position to let her know the true reason I was trying to cancel plans, but she met me right where I was at which is what good friends do when they can. You don’t have to keep it 100 with everybody you know, but if you can reach out to a couple people that you trust it will help you tremendously in your “fight” to be less wary of fighting.
Because why tread water alone when someone could be there to help you float?
Captured by Morgan Smith
S/O to Kalia Blake for editing
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