What Losing Someone Taught Me About Grief Etiquette
By: Sochima Richard
The first instinct when someone receives news about the passing of a loved one varies. Personally, I could not believe it, because surely, it just could not be true. I held on to this belief even when I kept calling his phone but it remained switched off through the night, uncharacteristically so.
By the time I walked into what used to be our regular meet-up spot the next morning, saw people in clusters, talking in low tones, wiping tears off and shaking their heads, the rock lodged in my chest with some hope dropped to my stomach and turned into terror. Then, I was forced to believe.
That’s how it happened for me.
One of my closest friends had died. It was true.
Photo de Darius Basharsur Unsplash
Harmful Condolence Statements
The condolence words started pouring in from people who knew how close we were. To be entirely honest, I was in too much shock to process most of it because I couldn’t understand how I went from awaiting the books he was going to lend me to never seeing him again. It had not been that long since we last spoke. It didn’t make sense.
And then the first phrase to hit my consciousness was uttered.
“Be strong”.
That had to be a joke, right? When I looked up, the person who said that had a somber facial expression. They meant it. But I didn’t understand it.
Be strong? How could I be strong when my mind was falling apart from struggling to fathom what I had just heard? How could I muster strength after just losing one of the people I was closest to in the world? Where was such strength supposed to come from? I couldn’t understand it.
Then came the next: “At least he experienced life a little”.
Well, no. He was just about to graduate university. Certainly not the definition of an “experienced life”. He had so many unrealized dreams and was top of his class. He had barely begun to live and now, he was gone.
“It will get easier”.
Surely this is not the time to tell me that, while I am reeling in the current difficulty of this new reality.
“If you’re acting this way, what do you expect his family members to do?”
This was, by far, the worst. My grief was measured and immediately diminished.
“You’re young, things like this will continue to happen. That’s life.”
This came from a much older person. I was shocked because I had expected more emotional awareness.
That was the point I zoned out and retreated from public life to nurse my pain alone.
The years have passed by, but I continue to see people saying the wrong things to a person experiencing grief.
Photo de Natalia Sobolivskasur Unsplash
What Not to Say to a Grieving Person
When someone experiences a loss, they immediately become very sensitive. That is why the first few words must be communicated with caution and fore-thought. Certain words are quite insensitive, some of which are said when:
Parents lose a child: “At least you have other children, be strong for them.” They know they have others, but that does not magically reduce the pain. The late child was special to them and the hurt remains significant. Such words attempt to belittle and rush their healing, which is unhealthy.
Children lose a parent: “At least they lived a good life”.
Yes, they lived a good life but at that moment, the negative is what they are dwelling on, wishing things could have been different or that they had lived longer.
The loss of a friend, sibling, or romantic partner: “Relish the good memories you shared with them. They are in a better place”.
Good memories were made, but surely, more were planned. In a bid to reduce the pain, significantly more is caused.
The loss of a pet: “It was just a pet, you can always get the same breed”.
No, it was, in fact, not just a pet. They were emotionally connected to the pet and loved it. Getting another wouldn’t fill up that hole left immediately.
The Problem
The above list is not exhaustive, but I'd wager most people who have lost a loved one have heard similar statements. I’ve come to find that many people, regardless of race, gender, or society, lack grief etiquette. While it is not done intentionally by most people, it is important to learn environmental and emotional awareness, to know that some things are better not said in certain situations, one of which is during mourning.
The intent might be innocent, but the result, oftentimes than not, is counter-productive. When a person is grieving, they become hyper-aware and numb in equal measure, and your words and actions have the tendency to trigger certain reactions.
How to Show Up for a Grieving Friend
If you identified yourself in some of the examples I gave, the goal is not to find the perfect words. Grief is deeply personal, and what comforts one person may not comfort another. Before speaking, first consider how you would feel if the loss were your own. Approaching from a place of empathy makes a huge impact.
Beyond words, true support can be speaking of fond memories if you knew them personally, offering shared silent moments, coming with food during visits because they wouldn’t eat, offering to help clean up, checking in consistently without always expecting a reply. Be present, but not overbearing.
How you act matters more than what you say, especially if you’re unsure if it’s the right thing to say.
In moments of grief, people are not looking for the perfect words. They are looking for space, understanding, and a sense of comfort.
Photo de Neil Thomassur Unsplash
Conclusion
Grief is already heavy on its own. It does not need to be corrected, compared, or hurried along. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do for a grieving person is to let them feel their loss fully, while reminding them through your presence that they do not have to carry it alone.
Photo de Mike Scheidsur Unsplash
Sochima Richard is a writer, creative strategist, and project manager with a strong focus on underrepresented stories and perspectives. Her work has been featured in Black Ballad UK, Business Insider, Mental Health Tings, AMAKA, Ayànfé, and others.
If you find this post valuable and believe in the mission of Mental Health Tings and would like to partner with us financially, you can make a one time donation by buying me a coffee!
You can also make a recurring monthly donation by signing up for our Here for the Blog $10 a month Patreon Tier.
All donations go toward the subscription cost of maintaining the website as well as payment for the various guest bloggers.
Thank you!
